Twofer today...I guess the wire post brought it up.
I lost a friend. And I pretty much deserved to I guess. I have not really "lost" other friends over the years, but more or less misplaced them. Mostly, once we moved, the two-way street of communication just didn't continue and I lost touch with them. They are still very important to me. There is not a single day I don't think about them and there is not a single one that if they called today and needed me I would not be there for them. No matter what. Mike, Joey, Chuck, Ron, Jim and Steve, you all know who I'm talking about here.
There have been a few times in my life, where to be quite frank I have just lost my ever-lovin' mind. I mean really. That something inside my head just snapped and the aftermath of those times are very hazy to me.
I had always wondered about the "snapped" analogy and when I actually dwell on the subject and the time, I can actually feel that something (not sure what) in my head just gave way. That the pressure build up was so terrible and once that snap happened all that pressure and all the stress just melted away. It seemed that those happened when I was least in control of my life, I guess. That in some way I was trapped and the only way out was just to walk away. And walk away I did. And it cost me.
Tony was a friend from back home. We started working together and became great friends. He was one of the few guys that I really got along with, we were unix guys, and computer guys, and in the early days of the I-bahn we were always on the bleeding edge. When he moved to CO, I wasn't too far behind in finding a job out here too. And we stayed in close touch and spent a great deal of our off time drinking and partying.
Tony moved on again to WA to work for Boeing, and found he could start his own consulting business. He was not much for working for someone else and had the drive to run his own show. Then he fell into a contract in NY working for Xerox. He needed help and the money was pretty good, so he called me.
The task was monumental. Xerox had no centralized datacenter for processing. If a group needed hardware or software, they would request it and run the system from underneath someone's desk. Our just was to bring it all in-house into a central datacenter and keep it running. The team of Unix guys grew to enormous proportions, but in the end there were only 3 of us: myself, Tony and BradG, that tackled the problems or did the oncall rotation.
My contract was for 6 months, by the end of month 2 I had worked nearly 4 months of my time. I had not been paid as yet and the pressure was relatively high. We had just gone through a series of meetings with Sun Microsystems, where to be honest it degenerated into who has the biggest tech dick in the room. Tony and I won that one. And finally to twist them enough to get them to do what we wanted, Kate the Xerox VP, showed them the amount of on-site staff supplied by Sun that we didn't have for the 12 e10k's we had. Tony, Brad and I were doing that work also.
OK, no readers digest version there. So it turned out one week, I was oncall, Brad and Tony were out of pocket and by that I mean, not even a cell phone or pager contact. We had problems with the E10k's and some systems, that I had in my 2 months not even touched. The days dragged on and the nights too since i was not getting much sleep at all. I needed to get a hold of one of those guys but couldn't. And then SHE was there. The hell-bitch that was our nemesis in all things.
I can't remember HB's name, but I could paint a picture if I had too. I don't even remember the interaction I had with her or the multitple time we had it out over those days. For once in my life, I felt incompetent and I really just could not handle that. It all built up and one day, I got a call from and old friend offering me a job. So, I quit, that day.
In my brain, it was so simple. In a way, it was like Bill Murray in 'Stripes' trying to escape from boot camp. Pack up, check out of the hotel, get in the car and go. And that is what I did. I walked off the job. I called and left messages with Tony and Brad, I packed my shit and left. I was pissed at them, basically they were out of contact so fuck'em, I will quit by leaving a voicemail. In the end, it was not the cool thing to do. Tony called and tried to get me back there to fix it all. I had hurt his reputation. And that is how it ended. I really didn't remember much until I was trying to replay it all in my head. I guess it doesn't matter.
What matters is I miss Tony. I have tried to contact him and mend it all but it has fallen on deaf ears. I don't blame him really, I would probably be in the camp. It is a lesson I learned and that I carry with me.
Oh the Wire thing. Tony used to say that all the time...So writing the wire post just brought it all back to me and I just felt like I needed to get it down somewhere.
Kol
Friday, July 20, 2007
Wire! WIRE! WIRE!!!
The title should be said in your best Beavis voice.:) For those of you too young, google 'Beavis and Butthead' or I optionally 'MTV lawsuit'...
So, work today consisted of removal of said wire and cabling from underneath our datacenter floors. Fun as that may sound, it helps if you are working with someone you actually like and not some ass-clown that you would rather just clock with a hammer and leave under the floor.
I used to like working in the datacenter. The sound of fans and coolers wooshing was I guess for me like the womb would have sounded. It was nice and comforting and very few others like it, so you pretty much get to work alone which I like. Hell, even crawling around and working under the floor was cool. Now its just a drag. It used to be being a cable monkey for a few hours a week was therapeutic, like soldering something. Times change I guess and getting older seems to make me want to do more of the "in case of emergency break glass" or architectural type work.
The nice thing about computers is they don't talk back to you that much nor are they idiotic (I guess unless you are working with Windoze). Being a Unix guy, my life has been spent with the command line and working with machines that actually run without intervention. Once you get them set up and all your system management stuff out of the way, the servers only really complain when they have a problem. And my servers only ever really call me to let me know how they are doing.
Again, I am never sure why I post this stuff, but maybe I will just start posting things about what I have learned doing Unix Shit for like *works the abbacus* 20+ years now. It seems that the system administration skills that used to be so important are becoming like the main framers were to us 10 or 15 years ago. We thought of them as dinosaurs. Now all the stuff you really need system admins for are slowly being taken over by software and HOWTO's and google. But really I say 'fuck that' because google hasn't been around the block like I have. And really, when its crunch time, its the guy that has seen the problem or situation before and his gut that will fix the problem...
So, work today consisted of removal of said wire and cabling from underneath our datacenter floors. Fun as that may sound, it helps if you are working with someone you actually like and not some ass-clown that you would rather just clock with a hammer and leave under the floor.
I used to like working in the datacenter. The sound of fans and coolers wooshing was I guess for me like the womb would have sounded. It was nice and comforting and very few others like it, so you pretty much get to work alone which I like. Hell, even crawling around and working under the floor was cool. Now its just a drag. It used to be being a cable monkey for a few hours a week was therapeutic, like soldering something. Times change I guess and getting older seems to make me want to do more of the "in case of emergency break glass" or architectural type work.
The nice thing about computers is they don't talk back to you that much nor are they idiotic (I guess unless you are working with Windoze). Being a Unix guy, my life has been spent with the command line and working with machines that actually run without intervention. Once you get them set up and all your system management stuff out of the way, the servers only really complain when they have a problem. And my servers only ever really call me to let me know how they are doing.
Again, I am never sure why I post this stuff, but maybe I will just start posting things about what I have learned doing Unix Shit for like *works the abbacus* 20+ years now. It seems that the system administration skills that used to be so important are becoming like the main framers were to us 10 or 15 years ago. We thought of them as dinosaurs. Now all the stuff you really need system admins for are slowly being taken over by software and HOWTO's and google. But really I say 'fuck that' because google hasn't been around the block like I have. And really, when its crunch time, its the guy that has seen the problem or situation before and his gut that will fix the problem...
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test
(thanks Mr. Bowie)
I am not who I am supposed to be. I know this in the very core of my being. When I ask myself who I am, I get a distinct answer that I know is right.
How does one change their life? Who they are? Know you are someone who you are not today, but don't know how to get there?
Those are a lot of the questions I have been dwelling on lately. I seem to have been at a crossroads looking this way and that trying to figure out which way I am supposed to go, or not rather which way, but actually setting foot on it. Starting the journey. It is decidingly frustrating for me, as I am usually good a deciding a course of action and executing.
When I was younger, people used to remark on my patience and tenacity. I seem to have misplaced those somewhere along the way. I can't seem to summon either up now to help me change. There are temporary respites when I can manage to focus on what is important but those never last for more than a few days at most. A couple of days on average. It is as if I know where I am supposed to go, but I can't bring myself to go there. Perhaps it is fear.
A wise man once told me that all people suffer from at least 1 of 12 fears. I can't remember them all now but I am sure that I suffer from more than 1. Most of the important decisions I make, I make either out of fear or based on fear. He also told me that my greatest challenge in life is that I am not only my own worst enemy, but also my own worse critic. Lately, I have been trying to assure that fear has no hold on me, or that I go into something with an open mind. I also am conscious of being to hard on myself, or actually feeling like a failure. It goes a long way to making things better, but even this is not making me make any forward motion.
How does one break the cycle of living enough to change? Its not like I don't have the time to make the changes, but it is like I lack the drive. I would rather do anything else than work at changing. Does that mean I am not meant to? Or that I am just too lazy to make it happen? Or that I don't want it enough? I dunno. I don't even know why I am writing this other than I guess I needed to get it out.
Kol
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test
(thanks Mr. Bowie)
I am not who I am supposed to be. I know this in the very core of my being. When I ask myself who I am, I get a distinct answer that I know is right.
How does one change their life? Who they are? Know you are someone who you are not today, but don't know how to get there?
Those are a lot of the questions I have been dwelling on lately. I seem to have been at a crossroads looking this way and that trying to figure out which way I am supposed to go, or not rather which way, but actually setting foot on it. Starting the journey. It is decidingly frustrating for me, as I am usually good a deciding a course of action and executing.
When I was younger, people used to remark on my patience and tenacity. I seem to have misplaced those somewhere along the way. I can't seem to summon either up now to help me change. There are temporary respites when I can manage to focus on what is important but those never last for more than a few days at most. A couple of days on average. It is as if I know where I am supposed to go, but I can't bring myself to go there. Perhaps it is fear.
A wise man once told me that all people suffer from at least 1 of 12 fears. I can't remember them all now but I am sure that I suffer from more than 1. Most of the important decisions I make, I make either out of fear or based on fear. He also told me that my greatest challenge in life is that I am not only my own worst enemy, but also my own worse critic. Lately, I have been trying to assure that fear has no hold on me, or that I go into something with an open mind. I also am conscious of being to hard on myself, or actually feeling like a failure. It goes a long way to making things better, but even this is not making me make any forward motion.
How does one break the cycle of living enough to change? Its not like I don't have the time to make the changes, but it is like I lack the drive. I would rather do anything else than work at changing. Does that mean I am not meant to? Or that I am just too lazy to make it happen? Or that I don't want it enough? I dunno. I don't even know why I am writing this other than I guess I needed to get it out.
Kol
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Redneck Trailer
So, there it is. WhatsHerFace, wanted me to post this so everyone could have a laugh. I am going home(to Ohio) this summer and decided I needed a trailer to bring the Nomad on vacation with me. Trailers out here go fast, as an example, craigslist listings sell in less than an hour or so for a decent used trailer. I got in on this one, and went ahead and bought it.
The plywood was bolted on, which I quickly removed. Taking harsh comments about my trailer ALMOST made me keep the plywood sides, painting them black and putting flames on it. As we all know, flames on anything gain you about 10 h.p.:) Anyway, I don't have any pics of it after the work I did, but suffice to say I needed to replace lights, the jack and rewire the harness. Add a hitch and wiring to the Jeep to get ready. Along with drilling a hole in my gas tank on the jeep that I had to fix also. All in all, it took a lot time but everything was pretty simple to fix.
Finding loading ramps has been a chore. The Nomad weighs in at a hefty 800lbs so finding a ramp that will support just that weight is not easy. There are several types but finding them in time for vacation seems to be difficult at best. I have been to just about every hunting/fishing/truck accessory store: bass pro, gander mountain and others to no avail. When I do find them, I will post them with pics of the new trailer and bike on there. I think there is a series of posts coming about my vacation hopefully. I am not exactly a blogging maniac.
So, finally I think I am ready to go home for a week or so. I have been looking forward to the trip but it seems like I have been preparing for the trip for 2 weeks now. But it will be nice to get home and have the Nomad to ride around on while I am there.
2 mantools worth of labor (including patching the gas tank)
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
First tattoo
There it is. My first tattoo. It went through a lot of iterations (well 2) with differing ideas, but I ended up with something that symbolizes a great many philosophys and beliefs that I hold. It also manages to harken back to another life, as well as reminding me in this one to not get bogged down in the mundane shite we all have to put up with everyday.
Mainly, that accumulating "stuff" is not what its about, and to do something with your gifts. To know who you are simply by asking yourself and trusting the answer. To not allow fear to rule your decisions or keep you from your goal. To understand that the mind is a tool, not who you are, that it needs to be quieted or it will run your life.
This tattoo was born of the Ouroboros and runic lore. Both of which I have been drawn to all of my life.
The tattoo was always centered around the Ouroboros, and its associated meanings. The cycles of life and renewal, the understanding of the unity of us all.
As for the runestave, it started out life as another design in the center of the Ouroboros. However, the more I meditated about it and asked, I suddenly sat down and sketched the snake and the runestave with it. I barely remember doing it, but there it is(People who know me can attest I can barely draw stick figures). It is something I needed and serves as a reminder to not squander the gifts that I have. If you want a breakdown, the staff consists of the runes: Eihwaz, Kenaz, and Algiz. I wish I could express everything it does mean to me, just suffice I guess to say that it goes much deeper than what I have put here.
Difficulty: 1 mantool
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Latest phone
So, I was out riding the Nomad with WhatsHerFace this weekend and stopped at cingular to upgrade my brick of a phone to something else. I ended up with the CranBerry(Red Blackberry pearl).
At first I wasn't sure that it was for me, or that I would like the qwerty keyboard integrated with the phone pad. After a bit of practicing I now can go pretty fast on the little keys. I also tried many times getting my email set up and web browsers working, applying all the patches but no go. I finally called the old att wireless-cingular-the new ATT support and found out the store sales girl did not add a blackberry plan to my phone, so no browser or email capability.
I had the rep add the functions and now I have full web access and email access. This phone rocks now! The map features rule and the web browsing is fast and easy to use. Big plus on the format of this phone, getting a blackberry that actually fits in my watch pocket is great. Better than carrying the blue berry brick around.
Setup on this phone was easy once I got the correct services added to the phone. I decided to not use our company Blackberry Enterprise services and used the Blackberry Internet Service. I went to the mycingular blackberry website and signed up for an account and added my email accounts. These almost immediately showed up on my Pearl's desktop. One of the cool things is email addresses like gmail.com and netaddress.com are supported by Blackberry so I all I had to do was enter my account info, they configured the server info for me!
One difficult thing was to get the patches and upgrade the phone. This should be done first, and unfortunately the website link I got at the store, was incorrect. I had to hunt down the links on the cingular site, which were not easy to find either. You should find the Blackberry support page that has the latest Desktop software and the patch. Install both and upgrade the phone.
Difficulty: 1 geek mantool, 3 geekless mantools
At first I wasn't sure that it was for me, or that I would like the qwerty keyboard integrated with the phone pad. After a bit of practicing I now can go pretty fast on the little keys. I also tried many times getting my email set up and web browsers working, applying all the patches but no go. I finally called the old att wireless-cingular-the new ATT support and found out the store sales girl did not add a blackberry plan to my phone, so no browser or email capability.
I had the rep add the functions and now I have full web access and email access. This phone rocks now! The map features rule and the web browsing is fast and easy to use. Big plus on the format of this phone, getting a blackberry that actually fits in my watch pocket is great. Better than carrying the blue berry brick around.
Setup on this phone was easy once I got the correct services added to the phone. I decided to not use our company Blackberry Enterprise services and used the Blackberry Internet Service. I went to the mycingular blackberry website and signed up for an account and added my email accounts. These almost immediately showed up on my Pearl's desktop. One of the cool things is email addresses like gmail.com and netaddress.com are supported by Blackberry so I all I had to do was enter my account info, they configured the server info for me!
One difficult thing was to get the patches and upgrade the phone. This should be done first, and unfortunately the website link I got at the store, was incorrect. I had to hunt down the links on the cingular site, which were not easy to find either. You should find the Blackberry support page that has the latest Desktop software and the patch. Install both and upgrade the phone.
Difficulty: 1 geek mantool, 3 geekless mantools
Monday, May 7, 2007
Synchronicity Toy?
Well since WhatsHerFace beat me to it(and she was out of town) I ran out and picked up my latest toy! Here is a Ad photo of my new 2007 Kawasaki Vulcan 1600 Nomad. Since it was fresh out of the crate at the shop and the weather sucking this weekend, I won't get to pick it up until mid-week.
In true under-achieving type-A fashion, I went to my bank and got a loan done before I went shopping. At the store, I decided to see what kind of deal they could make me, which was about 4 points lower than the bank.
I had been looking at the Nomad for a while since deciding not to get the Triumph Rocket III or a HD of some sort. On the floor, they only had a Vulcan 1500 and 1600.
After much gnashing of teeth, I decided to get the 1500 because of its look and kind of retro styling. However just before doing the paperwork, the sales guy casually mentioned he had an all black Nomad in a crate in the back and asked if i would be interested. Hell yes! It was almost the exact bike I was looking for originally (it was all black and I REALLY wanted the two-tone ebony/titanium version). He obliged to allow me to see it in the crate so we took a walk out to look through ginormous crate farm full of ATV's and bikes of all kinds. We walked the crates and could not find it anywhere. The only 1600 we could find was in red(blech).
The shop manager said that it was definitely out there. On our way back out the third time, I noticed tucked back amongst all the ATV's and dirtbikes that had been assembled, I thought I saw it sitting there. I pointed it out and sure enough it had been assembled except for a few miscellaneous parts that had been mis-shipped. And it was not black, it was the two-tone model I had dreamed about!
Too late for the long story short, but I ended up with the two-tone Nomad for the price of a black one, and a few dollars more off to boot. One of the best buying experiences ever for me! If you are buying in colorado, check out Rocky Mountain Cycle Plaza in Colorado Springs. Ask for Greg, he rocks!
ManTool
Oh and a special thanks to Ballz and V900Girl for waiting what turned out to be most of saturday with me.
UPDATE: Here is the animal at home:
In true under-achieving type-A fashion, I went to my bank and got a loan done before I went shopping. At the store, I decided to see what kind of deal they could make me, which was about 4 points lower than the bank.
I had been looking at the Nomad for a while since deciding not to get the Triumph Rocket III or a HD of some sort. On the floor, they only had a Vulcan 1500 and 1600.
After much gnashing of teeth, I decided to get the 1500 because of its look and kind of retro styling. However just before doing the paperwork, the sales guy casually mentioned he had an all black Nomad in a crate in the back and asked if i would be interested. Hell yes! It was almost the exact bike I was looking for originally (it was all black and I REALLY wanted the two-tone ebony/titanium version). He obliged to allow me to see it in the crate so we took a walk out to look through ginormous crate farm full of ATV's and bikes of all kinds. We walked the crates and could not find it anywhere. The only 1600 we could find was in red(blech).
The shop manager said that it was definitely out there. On our way back out the third time, I noticed tucked back amongst all the ATV's and dirtbikes that had been assembled, I thought I saw it sitting there. I pointed it out and sure enough it had been assembled except for a few miscellaneous parts that had been mis-shipped. And it was not black, it was the two-tone model I had dreamed about!
Too late for the long story short, but I ended up with the two-tone Nomad for the price of a black one, and a few dollars more off to boot. One of the best buying experiences ever for me! If you are buying in colorado, check out Rocky Mountain Cycle Plaza in Colorado Springs. Ask for Greg, he rocks!
ManTool
Oh and a special thanks to Ballz and V900Girl for waiting what turned out to be most of saturday with me.
UPDATE: Here is the animal at home:
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