Today, I am getting the edgy feeling. I almost turned off on my way to work to go somewhere...anywhere. Just go and disappear. I have posted about this before, but it felt like my sanity depended on my going elsewhere. Not sure why and really this is the first time it has happened when I was so close to home.
Sometimes, I wish I knew who that person was. it is me, but not me. I wonder what it would be like to actually sit down with them over coffee and talk about what they want and why it affects me so. It is like some part of me whispers to me to just forget who I am and ditch everything. End up being the "I wonder what happened to" guy. It is so strange to me, but yet the feeling is nice. I want to keep it around because it causes me to move. To change. To energize. Actually consider the possibilities, instead of living the grind.
Its not that I think the disappeared-life will be better than the one I have. Far from it. My life is good. Maybe its just trying to drop all the inescapable responsibilities that come along with life. I stood last night staring at the yard that will need another season of tending, car repairs, house repairs, new planting beds and so on. Welcome to suburbia.
K
PS - Then again, maybe I just need a real vacation.
1 comment:
I honestly think it's part of being a guy. This constant need to move, explore, drop all, and to put it bluntly, go find another willing donor for our seed. Somewhere along the line society decided that there was enough of that going around and we had to stop it. Too bad they never found a way to convince our basic instinct that it had to stop too.
Sometimes I honestly wonder if we didn't hype that need up ourselves by playing all the games we played (and you guys continue to play..wish I was there!!). When we were younger, the jock dudes were out doing just this, only they were doing it on a really, really basic level. Caveman level stuff, honestly. What I think happened is that we saw so much more than that, the millions of possibilities that a human being might have, or could still, become. Even worse (or better depending on how you look at it), we emersed ourselves deeply into those roles, so deep that sitting around the table playing wasn't you and me and others, it was the characters. I can think of soooo many times when we were so deep into our characters that the words, even the physical actions of them weren't a thought out process, they were instict. Seperating ourselves from them became hard at times; we talked about them all the time, what they were doing, why they did it, etc...even when we WEREN'T sitting at the table playing. It was a new life that we enjoyed, a person we loved and couldn't wait to get back to being. Those characters were what we always wanted to be, from purest evil to devoutest good, from hulking brutes to the smartest scientists. The possibilites were endless, and our very instict to move and change ate it up lovingly.
I feel these feelings to Bill, and although I wish I could say I use them, I don't. When I feel them it is always with sad remorse of what could have been. The fact that someone I love can feel them with joy makes up for it a little bit though. Thanks for awakening me to the good times yet again.
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